A New Job
I have debated on whether this is an appropriate spot to say I'm taking a new teaching position. After thinking about it, I decided I wanted people who I worked with to know, but it felt self absorbed to send it in an email because what if people I thought would care, don't care at all? Then how did I decide which people would actually be interested? Then I decided I would just put it on the blog, because I have a lot of guilt about this decision and maybe by putting it "on paper" I would come to terms with it.
So . . . yes I changed schools and jobs. Why? It seemed like I really liked my job. I do. I did. However, there was one part of the job I didn't like. Last year it became more and more apparent. I was totally isolated. I was an island unto myself. My students were self contained, and so was I. The loneliness was too much. I walked into my classroom every morning at 7:20am and that's where I stayed until 2:55pm. I didn't have a planning period to go find other teachers and hang out with. I didn't have a lunch away from students that I could sit in the teacher's lounge and chat about adult things for 30 minutes. Two days a week I would take a group of students to a "regular" classroom so we could participate. Those 45 minutes were my favorite 45 minutes of the week. I got to talk to high school students about what they were doing after graduation, what tv shows they watched, and what books they were reading. I got to talk to another teacher. I missed having conversations with people. After school was over, I didn't go search out teachers to visit, I hurried down the hall to my room- left the lights off and closed the door, to plan for the next day because that was the only time all day I had to plan before I jetted out the door to go pick up my own children and take them to their extra curricular events. I was becoming totally alienated from the other adults in the school. We had nothing in common- I have no understanding of the struggles they faced within their classroom and they had no understanding of my struggles. Our curriculum were totally different. They were dealing with one type of behavior and I was dealing with an entirely different type. When I wanted to talk to people, I felt awkward and goofy because I had to try too hard to come up with a common ground.
I tried to make changes. I did. It's hard to make change happen.
I feel like a jerk. I feel like I am abandoning my students. What's going to happen to them? I made a selfish decision, but it had to be done. I gained 20 pounds in the last year or so. I was eating my loneliness. I have spent close to $200 in the last 6 months on trashy books to get as much of an escape from my stress as I am able to.
Do I think the new job is going to be a cake walk? No. I've done this job before. I'll be co- teaching with high school teachers. Some I cannot wait to work with again, some . . . well, whatever. I am not looking forward to dealing with behavior and disrespect. I cannot wait to have real conversations again. I cannot wait to plan and work with other teachers. I cannot wait to be back with friends. I feel guilty for being excited. I feel like a sell out. Some pansy that couldn't hack it.
I don't need affirmation if I did a good or bad job, or if I'll be missed or not. The decision is made. I can't change it, I'm 60% ok with that. I just wanted to explain why the decision was made. It wasn't the kids, the school, the community, the paperwork, the world, it was me. I also know with 100% certainty, I got a lot more from those kids, then they got from me.
So . . . yes I changed schools and jobs. Why? It seemed like I really liked my job. I do. I did. However, there was one part of the job I didn't like. Last year it became more and more apparent. I was totally isolated. I was an island unto myself. My students were self contained, and so was I. The loneliness was too much. I walked into my classroom every morning at 7:20am and that's where I stayed until 2:55pm. I didn't have a planning period to go find other teachers and hang out with. I didn't have a lunch away from students that I could sit in the teacher's lounge and chat about adult things for 30 minutes. Two days a week I would take a group of students to a "regular" classroom so we could participate. Those 45 minutes were my favorite 45 minutes of the week. I got to talk to high school students about what they were doing after graduation, what tv shows they watched, and what books they were reading. I got to talk to another teacher. I missed having conversations with people. After school was over, I didn't go search out teachers to visit, I hurried down the hall to my room- left the lights off and closed the door, to plan for the next day because that was the only time all day I had to plan before I jetted out the door to go pick up my own children and take them to their extra curricular events. I was becoming totally alienated from the other adults in the school. We had nothing in common- I have no understanding of the struggles they faced within their classroom and they had no understanding of my struggles. Our curriculum were totally different. They were dealing with one type of behavior and I was dealing with an entirely different type. When I wanted to talk to people, I felt awkward and goofy because I had to try too hard to come up with a common ground.
I tried to make changes. I did. It's hard to make change happen.
I feel like a jerk. I feel like I am abandoning my students. What's going to happen to them? I made a selfish decision, but it had to be done. I gained 20 pounds in the last year or so. I was eating my loneliness. I have spent close to $200 in the last 6 months on trashy books to get as much of an escape from my stress as I am able to.
Do I think the new job is going to be a cake walk? No. I've done this job before. I'll be co- teaching with high school teachers. Some I cannot wait to work with again, some . . . well, whatever. I am not looking forward to dealing with behavior and disrespect. I cannot wait to have real conversations again. I cannot wait to plan and work with other teachers. I cannot wait to be back with friends. I feel guilty for being excited. I feel like a sell out. Some pansy that couldn't hack it.
I don't need affirmation if I did a good or bad job, or if I'll be missed or not. The decision is made. I can't change it, I'm 60% ok with that. I just wanted to explain why the decision was made. It wasn't the kids, the school, the community, the paperwork, the world, it was me. I also know with 100% certainty, I got a lot more from those kids, then they got from me.
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