Control F.R.E.A.K.
Hello. My name is Kate. I am a control freak. Rigid, drill sergeant, unrelenting, uncompromising control freak. Only about the things I care about though. Don't bother me with things I don't care about, because then I become overwhelmed, flustered, and irritated. Good luck figuring out what I care about and what I don't. The things I do care about, look out because it's my way or the highway. It's starting to be a problem though. Thank God I can laugh at myself. It doesn't stop me from being rigidly controlling, but I can laugh at myself about it- sort of.
Here are some examples:
1. Last year at Christmas we were packing up and putting away the Christmas decorations. We use a fake tree that sheds it's needles. It's like having a real tree, without all the good smells. Doug decided he was going to "help" me vacuum. I, unfortunately, had a cruddy vacuum and there was a very specific way one must go about vacuuming. First, you had to sweep with the special broom that I had designated for inside sweeping only. Then, you could use the hose attachment to vacuum up the pile that you swept up. In my "expert" opinion it was the Only Way to vacuum. All other methods were sub par and therefore a waste of time. Doug didn't want to do it My Way though. Then we had an utterly ridiculous fight over the proper way to vacuum. If he would have deferred to My Way, there would have been no need to disagree. Or another (totally silly) way to look at the situation is- if I would have relinquished control and let him do it his way, we would not have had such a ridiculous argument. I tried. In fairness to him and myself- I did try. My heart raced. My shoulders were tensed, the pulse in my temple was throbbing, I was sweating and having a completely unreasonable physical reaction to the stress I felt that . . . GAHHHHH . . . he wasn't doing it my way.
2. Today at church, we were singing the final hymn: "I Surrender." I was thinking about the sermon and the words to the hymn and for reasons I cannot explain I began to have a physical reaction to the whole idea of surrendering all my worries, faith, and everything to Jesus. Good Lord- give up that kind of control?????? Are these people crazy????? Who does that??????? Oh . . . you mean I am supposed to? My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, my temples were pulsing. I acknowledged the feelings and thought to myself, "Yikes, girl . . . you've got issues."
3. Just a minute ago. Alexa and I returned from a trip to Sally's Beauty Supply. We are both newly supplied with new snazzy nail polishes. Alexa announced she would paint her own nails. Holy Swiss Cheese Batman! What??? Are you serious? They won't be neat, there will be nail polish around your fingers. It's not the vision I had for your new nail color. When we picked out that color I had a vision of how it would look on her nails and her painting them was not going to fulfill that vision. Don't worry- I let her do it. When Doug started to critic them- I gave him the Stink Eye. But don't you worry- I had heart palpitations and sweaty palms the whole time.
I joke about how My Way is the best way, but . . . it is. There is usually a reason for why I have everything organized and lined up in military fashion: it's efficient, it will not result in meltdowns, and no one will lose/forget things. My Way is designed to keep our crazy busy life- running smoothly. The trouble is . . . I have to be willing to chill out and let things just . . . happen. Sometimes my family has to have a "catastrophe" when they forget something or we're all dashing around trying to get ready- so my kids know how to deal with that type of stress, and so they realize the importance of helping out. Frankly I am completely and totally failing them at that. I am hyper organized and efficient and have no time for their learning attempts to help with laundry or chores. All I'm teaching them is: "eehhh, Mom's got it." I don't. Lately I am feeling more and more overwhelmed by all the things I am NOT doing. I am trying to figure out what I can get rid of. What task do I not have to control. What tasks can I give to my family that will free me up and help them to be responsible, helpful, contributors to our household? I have no idea. I'm going to try. Not just for their own well being, but for my mental health. It's teetering on the brink right now, and as a person who's pretty much always on the brink . . . it ain't good.
Here are some examples:
1. Last year at Christmas we were packing up and putting away the Christmas decorations. We use a fake tree that sheds it's needles. It's like having a real tree, without all the good smells. Doug decided he was going to "help" me vacuum. I, unfortunately, had a cruddy vacuum and there was a very specific way one must go about vacuuming. First, you had to sweep with the special broom that I had designated for inside sweeping only. Then, you could use the hose attachment to vacuum up the pile that you swept up. In my "expert" opinion it was the Only Way to vacuum. All other methods were sub par and therefore a waste of time. Doug didn't want to do it My Way though. Then we had an utterly ridiculous fight over the proper way to vacuum. If he would have deferred to My Way, there would have been no need to disagree. Or another (totally silly) way to look at the situation is- if I would have relinquished control and let him do it his way, we would not have had such a ridiculous argument. I tried. In fairness to him and myself- I did try. My heart raced. My shoulders were tensed, the pulse in my temple was throbbing, I was sweating and having a completely unreasonable physical reaction to the stress I felt that . . . GAHHHHH . . . he wasn't doing it my way.
2. Today at church, we were singing the final hymn: "I Surrender." I was thinking about the sermon and the words to the hymn and for reasons I cannot explain I began to have a physical reaction to the whole idea of surrendering all my worries, faith, and everything to Jesus. Good Lord- give up that kind of control?????? Are these people crazy????? Who does that??????? Oh . . . you mean I am supposed to? My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, my temples were pulsing. I acknowledged the feelings and thought to myself, "Yikes, girl . . . you've got issues."
3. Just a minute ago. Alexa and I returned from a trip to Sally's Beauty Supply. We are both newly supplied with new snazzy nail polishes. Alexa announced she would paint her own nails. Holy Swiss Cheese Batman! What??? Are you serious? They won't be neat, there will be nail polish around your fingers. It's not the vision I had for your new nail color. When we picked out that color I had a vision of how it would look on her nails and her painting them was not going to fulfill that vision. Don't worry- I let her do it. When Doug started to critic them- I gave him the Stink Eye. But don't you worry- I had heart palpitations and sweaty palms the whole time.
I joke about how My Way is the best way, but . . . it is. There is usually a reason for why I have everything organized and lined up in military fashion: it's efficient, it will not result in meltdowns, and no one will lose/forget things. My Way is designed to keep our crazy busy life- running smoothly. The trouble is . . . I have to be willing to chill out and let things just . . . happen. Sometimes my family has to have a "catastrophe" when they forget something or we're all dashing around trying to get ready- so my kids know how to deal with that type of stress, and so they realize the importance of helping out. Frankly I am completely and totally failing them at that. I am hyper organized and efficient and have no time for their learning attempts to help with laundry or chores. All I'm teaching them is: "eehhh, Mom's got it." I don't. Lately I am feeling more and more overwhelmed by all the things I am NOT doing. I am trying to figure out what I can get rid of. What task do I not have to control. What tasks can I give to my family that will free me up and help them to be responsible, helpful, contributors to our household? I have no idea. I'm going to try. Not just for their own well being, but for my mental health. It's teetering on the brink right now, and as a person who's pretty much always on the brink . . . it ain't good.
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