It's All Relative . . .
This has been a pooh-ey week at school (the pun is intended- as you'll see later).
I have been bitter, moody, resentful, frustrated, and easily annoyed- but only with the world outside my classroom. I am not typically like that. I am usually a glass half full kind of gal when it comes to work. Even when the budget cuts being threatened to our paychecks are possibly damaging to my meager lifestyle- I am not griping about it. I am still finding the positives. However, this week I will gladly trump anyone's bad day with 15 minutes of my day. Yesterday was the peak of my horrid-ness and then I got annoyed with myself (there's only so much crabbiness of myself that I can take). And so I ate carbs for dinner (frozen waffles that I toasted and burnt popcorn) and I got over myself.
I am a self contained high school special education teacher. This is my 14th year teaching. This is my 3rd year teaching in my classroom. I did not come to my class by choice- but by Fate. The first month of the year I began teaching in my classroom, I was looking for any opportunity to get out of that room. It was not for me. I had been bit, hit, and kicked. I had students that were not wanted at other schools because they had such untraditional behaviors, but as the year progressed I found things I LOVED about my students. At the end of the school year, I realized I cared about those students in ways that I had never cared about other students before. And so I stayed. Now- is everyday butterflies, rainbows, and daisies? No. There are days when I deal with unimaginable things at a public high school, but even on those days I don't want to quit. I have found my place in the world. Will I always stay with education? I don't know about that. Will I probably always work with intellectually disabled people? I am pretty sure that I will. I love them.
But back to my horrific mood. So yesterday we had an assembly. Let me tell you that assembly's are stressful for me in ways I cannot completely explain. First- it's out of our routine, which means that some of my more . . . rigid students get flustered. Second- it's an uncontrollable environment. I can't control what my students will be seeing and how it will impact my students. You never know what will . . . set them off. One time one of my students saw a boy and girl holding hands in the hallway (completely normal high school behavior) and she had a complete meltdown. All I can assume is that it triggered some knowledge in her head that she would never have a "normal" relationship like that. Third, they get impatient. Fourth, the hustle and bustle of students moving past them or whispering, or shifting positions gets on their nerves. So I am constantly monitoring their behavior and mood and body language to determine if we need to get them out of the auditorium and pronto! All that monitoring and assessing is exhausting and stressful.
So here's where my bad mood peaks, a teacher happens to walk by and complains how this assembly is totally ruining her planning period. And something in my head just snapped. I thought, "This is ruining your day?! Do you have any idea what we've dealt with in my room today- and it's only 9:50? I've had 2 students with stomach issues. Each one going from different ends of of the body. I've already done a load of laundry, and helped clean up poop. I've been cursed out. I've repeated the same direction- politely- 10 times, for a task we do every day. I've told a girl to stop picking her zits 30 times. One of my students just hit another one. The school resource officer- that's screaming at a kid down the hall? That's my kid- and yeah he did just call us all a bunch of fucking assholes- I don't even realize he's doing it anymore because I hear it everyday." I stewed all day, thinking no one appreciates what I do all day.
After I ate my carb dinner, I got myself back in order. I told myself I was acting like a diva with my whole "No one has such a hard life as myself, and wah wah wah." I reminded myself that yesterday wasn't even one of the worst days- not even in the top 20 of bad days. And there are things that woman probably deals with everyday that I could NOT deal with, like sassy mouthed teenagers. Nothing makes my blood boil like a disrespectful teenager. Give me a melt down with stripping, cursing, hitting, biting, and throwing things anyday. I'd prefer it over sassy mouthed children. I reminded myself, I LOVE my job and I still don't want to quit, even on a morning like yesterday.
Some of you might be reading this and are horrified at what kind of job I might have, and praying for me. Some of you might be wondering, how I do it. And others might be thinking- I know exactly what she's talking about. Let me say this, I wonder how some of you do what you do everyday. Stay at home everyday with 2 young children? No thank you. Work in an office, at a desk all day? I'd die of boredom. Customer service? Good Lord no, I hate the public. Create something with my own two hands? No way- I have no talent. So, I tell you this- our dream jobs are all relative. Clearly my dream job is totally different than others- but I love it and it's for me. Weird huh? I just had to remind myself of that, so I could get over my wretched self.
I have been bitter, moody, resentful, frustrated, and easily annoyed- but only with the world outside my classroom. I am not typically like that. I am usually a glass half full kind of gal when it comes to work. Even when the budget cuts being threatened to our paychecks are possibly damaging to my meager lifestyle- I am not griping about it. I am still finding the positives. However, this week I will gladly trump anyone's bad day with 15 minutes of my day. Yesterday was the peak of my horrid-ness and then I got annoyed with myself (there's only so much crabbiness of myself that I can take). And so I ate carbs for dinner (frozen waffles that I toasted and burnt popcorn) and I got over myself.
I am a self contained high school special education teacher. This is my 14th year teaching. This is my 3rd year teaching in my classroom. I did not come to my class by choice- but by Fate. The first month of the year I began teaching in my classroom, I was looking for any opportunity to get out of that room. It was not for me. I had been bit, hit, and kicked. I had students that were not wanted at other schools because they had such untraditional behaviors, but as the year progressed I found things I LOVED about my students. At the end of the school year, I realized I cared about those students in ways that I had never cared about other students before. And so I stayed. Now- is everyday butterflies, rainbows, and daisies? No. There are days when I deal with unimaginable things at a public high school, but even on those days I don't want to quit. I have found my place in the world. Will I always stay with education? I don't know about that. Will I probably always work with intellectually disabled people? I am pretty sure that I will. I love them.
But back to my horrific mood. So yesterday we had an assembly. Let me tell you that assembly's are stressful for me in ways I cannot completely explain. First- it's out of our routine, which means that some of my more . . . rigid students get flustered. Second- it's an uncontrollable environment. I can't control what my students will be seeing and how it will impact my students. You never know what will . . . set them off. One time one of my students saw a boy and girl holding hands in the hallway (completely normal high school behavior) and she had a complete meltdown. All I can assume is that it triggered some knowledge in her head that she would never have a "normal" relationship like that. Third, they get impatient. Fourth, the hustle and bustle of students moving past them or whispering, or shifting positions gets on their nerves. So I am constantly monitoring their behavior and mood and body language to determine if we need to get them out of the auditorium and pronto! All that monitoring and assessing is exhausting and stressful.
So here's where my bad mood peaks, a teacher happens to walk by and complains how this assembly is totally ruining her planning period. And something in my head just snapped. I thought, "This is ruining your day?! Do you have any idea what we've dealt with in my room today- and it's only 9:50? I've had 2 students with stomach issues. Each one going from different ends of of the body. I've already done a load of laundry, and helped clean up poop. I've been cursed out. I've repeated the same direction- politely- 10 times, for a task we do every day. I've told a girl to stop picking her zits 30 times. One of my students just hit another one. The school resource officer- that's screaming at a kid down the hall? That's my kid- and yeah he did just call us all a bunch of fucking assholes- I don't even realize he's doing it anymore because I hear it everyday." I stewed all day, thinking no one appreciates what I do all day.
After I ate my carb dinner, I got myself back in order. I told myself I was acting like a diva with my whole "No one has such a hard life as myself, and wah wah wah." I reminded myself that yesterday wasn't even one of the worst days- not even in the top 20 of bad days. And there are things that woman probably deals with everyday that I could NOT deal with, like sassy mouthed teenagers. Nothing makes my blood boil like a disrespectful teenager. Give me a melt down with stripping, cursing, hitting, biting, and throwing things anyday. I'd prefer it over sassy mouthed children. I reminded myself, I LOVE my job and I still don't want to quit, even on a morning like yesterday.
Some of you might be reading this and are horrified at what kind of job I might have, and praying for me. Some of you might be wondering, how I do it. And others might be thinking- I know exactly what she's talking about. Let me say this, I wonder how some of you do what you do everyday. Stay at home everyday with 2 young children? No thank you. Work in an office, at a desk all day? I'd die of boredom. Customer service? Good Lord no, I hate the public. Create something with my own two hands? No way- I have no talent. So, I tell you this- our dream jobs are all relative. Clearly my dream job is totally different than others- but I love it and it's for me. Weird huh? I just had to remind myself of that, so I could get over my wretched self.
Keep writing! This is good. A book is in you. You inspire me.
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