Charting to Good Behavior

I read an article the other day about how the teenage years were by far the hardest to parent.   While the article did bring up some very difficult issues, it filled me with despair.  How could parenting a teenaged Andrew, be any more difficult than this summer?  This has been a terrible summer for Andrew.  I have joked (but am mostly serious) he stored up the Terrible Two’s and Three’s for “The Summer of Six.”  My mother, who has been witness to several of his meltdowns and smart mouth antics, said, “Oh, 6 year olds are notoriously awful!”   As the mother of 3, and an elementary school media specialist I am putting stock in her wisdom on this topic. 

In Andrew’s defense- things are different this summer.  Mostly because I realized he did absolutely NOTHING for himself.  Before the summer started he didn’t even bathe himself.  It took him so long and inevitably there was a minor meltdown because he couldn’t get all the soap out of his hair.  I would try to explain that he shouldn’t use so much, however that also caused a disagreement.  In order to avoid a bath time disaster I just did the bathing for him, so that there wouldn’t be an issue.  Before the summer he didn’t know how to operate the tv.  So every Saturday morning Andrew would wake me up- and nag me until I got up and turned the tv on- and got him on the right channel.  Before this summer he couldn’t fix his own snack, drink, or lunch.   He didn’t get himself dressed, it took too long.

I realized we had some serious negative reinforcing going on- this week.    Andrew did things badly or slowly- so he didn’t have to do them, and I took over because I am a controlling freak.  It sounds so black and white when said like that, however I seriously doubt Andrew consciously thought, “I will do this super slow, so I can make Mom crazy- and then she’ll take over and do it for me.” 

Throughout the summer I have employed a variety of disciplinary tactics to counteract the constant arguing, smart mouthing, and melting down.  Nothing was working.  The things I can’t stand were only getting worse- far worse.  Things came to a head Wednesday evening.  I had gone in his room to try and help him clean it up.  It was a DISASTER!  I had let it be a disaster for a week, but it was time to get it sorted out.  So I walked in, and I said, “I’ll do this job, and you can do this job.”   For the next 5 minutes all I got from his was, “I want you to do my job . . . Maybe if you did it this way . . . Good, now that you’re done you can do my . . . “  And it was all said in this snarky tone.  I didn’t like it.  I have known some students that I have thought, “I hope my kids don’t turn out like that.”  I think the way they talk to their parents is appalling, the way they expect things- just because, horrifies me.  Is my child turning out like this?!  So, I left him to clean his room on his own.  I told him I didn’t like being around him, and he needed to finish the job on his own- before he went to bed.  Then I went into the kitchen, where Doug was cleaning up and we came up with a plan.   We’ve gone old school and created a chart. On the back of the chart is the behavior expected, behavior not accepted, and rewards for exceptional behavior, and punishment for unacceptable behavior.  Currently Andrew is serving a punishment because he got 3 strikes last evening- and the punishment is to sit in my room, on my floor for 45 minutes- with nothing to do, but look at a nature magazine.  I am hoping to bore him into good behavior.  Today it’s new and different- I imagine tomorrow, it’ll begin to lose its allure.  I hope.