A Compliant Follower

Okay this is gonna be a slightly controversial opinion but . . . . it's my blog and I can be controversial if I want.  I don't like the Christmas season.  Specifically, I do not like the additional mental load of the season.  I wonder often- "How I can feel more overwhelmed by the overall "more" now?" My kids are older and not needing me as much. When they were younger and I was battling them to clean up after themselves, and eat, and bathe and brush teeth, and taking them to multiple events and remember all the accessories they needed to have for those events.  I mean now . . . . I do not do any of that for Andrew.  (I am almost belligerent in my "I do not remember anything for you" as I treat him as the young adult he is.)  And Alexa is so self-sufficient I do not really have to do that for her.  Sooooo why now do I feel so overwhelmed by extra decision making????  It's probably age and frankly . . . cell phones (as trite as it may be to blame them- I do). 

In case you didn't know- forgot- or suspected I made a career change . . . I am a high school special ed teacher.  I teach a range of students- some with mild learning disabilities or ADHD and some with Autism.  I love teenagers.  I've been doing this 28 years- and I still love the kids (the bureaucracy I could do without).  Holidays are hard for students.  Changes to routines, expectations, feeling the vibes of stress from parents/teachers/friends, etc.  The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas are fraught with . . . . emotions.  And for some students who struggle to regulate their emotions, this time of year is a particularly challenging time.  

Yesterday I had a student with me all day.  I love this kid.  He's one of my favorites.  He's so self-aware and makes HILARIOUS comments about his own self-reflections.  Even when he's at peak "meltdown" I am allowed to laugh because he knows I am not laughing at his feelings- but laughing at his word choice.  He unfortunately got behind in classes, became overwhelmed at the amount of things he had to do to get caught up, then due to his stress didn't sleep, then yelled at one of his parents . . . . the Domino Effect was in full force.  So yesterday he began the day in a bit of a mess.  He overcame the emotions because I told him the plan for how we were going to get some work done- so he could feel "caught up."  Having the plan made him feel better.  I knew executing the plan would require that I did two things: I had to organize the assignments into chunks that felt accomplishable and provided feelings of success so he could keep advancing through the list.  This is my favorite part of working with students.  

However . . . the whole time I was working with this student, I was getting texts & emails about needing ideas and "Did I want . . . ?" Now in fairness- the people texting & emailing didn't know that I was multi-tasking like a freak.  Just as my student didn't know the whole time I was cheerleading him and coaching him and bartering with him (for the entire school day)- that other people were asking for my input.  By the time I got in the car to go home- I was done.  Completely and totally done. I couldn't make one more decision- literally I couldn't decide the route to go home- Alexa said "Don't forget to turn this way to avoid the traffic."  (isn't she is amazing at reading my cues?!).  I walked the dogs.  Then I got in bed.  I fell asleep, woke up, doom scrolled and about an hour later I had recovered enough that I could interact with my family.  Where Doug brought dinner home and I didn't have to decide that or offer my opinion.  Because here's the thing, I genuinely do not have an opinion about most things.  The last 2-3 years the extra decision making is so overwhelming to me.  The requests for my input or opinions- sends my brain into overload.  

My sister-in-law possibly gave me one of the best Christmas presents of this season because she called and said, "Here's what we're doing for mom & dad for Christmas.  Show up at this time, wear this, do this, be this."  YES.  THAT is a Christmas gift.  Thank you!!!  About 2 months ago I told my mom about this activity in Asheville that I thought would be cool.  She planned it, told me when to show up and where I should go.  Yes!!! THAT is a Christmas gift.  I want to do Christmas things- but I just can't be in charge of them, or offer input about them, or weigh in on them.  The stress of feeling like I am supposed to be in charge or knowledgeable about anything is what makes this season so challenging for me.  I used to be a decision maker.  And now I'm not.  Now I'm a compliant follower who's joyful about it.